Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
