this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just gargled with NyQuil
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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