One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
