What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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