Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
