Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
