shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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