Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
