pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
