Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
