I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize