fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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