I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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