Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
