im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
