Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
