I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
