i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
