my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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