Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
