the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
