After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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