this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
worst night to have a conscience
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My vagina just recognized that song.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
