My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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