Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
