it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
