Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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