Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
