two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
