I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I'm going to jail i love you
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm both gender and math confused
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