I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
