I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
