Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I wish there were birth control emojis
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The air taste purple.
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