I faked an abortion last night.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize