Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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