So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Your cock deserves a montage
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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