I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
