so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
