idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
