Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
