i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
