If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
