He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
