I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
