I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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