When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize