I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
