Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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