I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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