I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
