My hand turned me down
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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