DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
