That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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