What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
