why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
