So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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