he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
