It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
tell me about the eggs
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
