i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
